I had a good long bawl this morning.
Once I let myself go it surprised me how much emotion I had stored up inside those tiny tear ducts.
After buying a house, a new car (out of necessity), and moving half way across the country in the last few months we can see the bottom of the barrel.
On top of that we have to figure out how to pay for a baby in few months (they aren't cheap!), our lawn mower just broke, our laptop died and our other computer isn't working great, our truck needs new tires (badly), we need to have the air vents in our house cleaned (I am worried about mold), Asher has cavities the size of Wisconsin that need to be filled, and this morning the kids dropped my phone and cracked the screen.
I know that there are many of you who could top me with money woes and so I won't pretend to have it rough.
But the stress of all those little things has been weighing on my heart, much more than I realized.
I am feeling a bit like the Widow of Zarephath who, when faced with a nearly empty barrel of flour was asked to make a cake for the prophet Elijah to eat. Throwing out all good economic sense she took a leap of faith and fed the prophet the last of what she had, probably fully expecting that now she and her son would soon die of starvation.
But she didn't.
Miraculously, when she looked back in the barrel there was enough flour and oil for her to feed her son. And not only that but for the rest of the famine her oil and her flour never failed her and she always had enough. Probably not enough to feast on or to live like she did before, but enough to meet her needs.
It isn't the first time Jon and I have been through a "famine" period in our lives, and I know from experience that if we keep paying our tithing and fast offerings and have faith in the Lord that our needs will be met, and eventually-- sometimes miraculously-- our barrel will fill back up.
It is a process I have seen happen before, but it is never an easy one to go through.
This morning I had to remind myself to let go. To remember that money is just money and that in the wise words of my dad:
Money really isn't worth crying over, not when I have so many other blessings filling up my life.
Though sometimes it does feel really good.
I just need to keep having faith that sometimes the barrel will be full and sometimes it will be empty, but God will always make sure there is enough.
Maybe not enough for couches that match... but always enough :)