Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Every Baby Comes with a Loaf of Bread Under its Arm

So I have happy news to share today! 

Farrell baby #5, who has been given the womb name of "Baby Otto", will be joining our family around the end of December! 


I'll freely admit that there are days when I think I must be crazy for having another baby, but I can't deny that this baby has been following me around for awhile. 

When I was pregnant with Tabitha Jon and I had the constant feeling that we were missing someone. When people asked how many children we had we would always say "four" but then have to quickly explain that one was on the way. We just felt like she was already a part of our family. We expected the "missing someone" feeling to go away when she was born, but it didn't. It just got stronger. So much that it was almost a daily occurrence to have one of us look around and ask who was missing. We even started to refer to "the baby" as a constant presence in our house, and our head count didn't feel complete until one of us would smile and say, "Oh, yeah we're missing the baby."  

Tabitha's pregnancy had been hard on me emotionally and physically and it scared me to think of having to go through it again. Also the idea of having another baby when I felt like I was barely keeping the four I had clothed, fed, and restrained from killing each other made me want to cry. I knew that there was another spirit ready and waiting to come to our family, but I wasn't ready to even think about another baby. In my heart I kept telling the baby to be patient with me, that I was willing to bring him to the world but that I was scared.  

Then several months ago Jon and I both realized, about the same time, that we hadn't "felt the baby" for awhile, and all of a sudden my heart changed. I realized that I wanted this baby. That I wanted that person to come to our family and that I wanted to be their mother. I was still scared, but the idea of missing out on this person, to have them go to another family and a different mother because I wasn't willing,  made my heart ache deep inside. 

I was too scared to actually "try" to have a baby, but I figured if it just happened then it would be too late to back out. I have been tracking my cycles with the Creighton Method for several years now and so I usually know when I am fertile and when I am not (it is an awesome natural family planning method by the way). When you are aware of your fertility signs it is hard to be "surprised" by a pregnancy or to "just let things happen" and so I tried to ignore them the best I could, but I still figured I was pretty safe. 

Then at the start of April I started to feel sick and for almost a whole week I thought I had the flu. When the second week started, and I didn't feel any better, I realized that this baby hadn't wasted much time in deciding to come. I'll admit that at first I cried alot and felt really overwhelmed. I REALLY didn't want to be pregnant again and was worried about how I'd handle another baby. It helped alot that when we told the kids they were really excited. Seeing their enthusiasm and imagining another little face added in among them brought me a lot of joy, and really helped ease my fears. I don't regret having any of my children and I knew that I wouldn't regret this one either. 

I am about 20 weeks already and I'm starting to feel really, really excited for this little person to come to my home. There is an old Spanish saying that "every baby comes with a loaf of bread under its arm." On the surface I think this saying is referring to the fact that there is always room enough for one more, and that life will always find a way to go on. Yet on a deeper level I think that what this saying means, at least to me, is that every baby who comes to the earth brings blessings, spiritual and temporal, for the mother, the father, the family, the community, and the world. 

Already I can feel the blessings this little person is bringing with them. I have felt my soul expand and my capacity to love and to submit to God's will increase. This baby has stretched and healed a part of me I didn't even know existed. It is amazing how much I love him/her already. I still have my moments (sometimes days) when I wonder if I am crazy and how a girl who never wanted kids will soon have 5 of them. But then again, I'm also starting to realize that I'm not in charge. 

God is... and when He sends down bread from heaven, who am I to say no? 

My  arms are open, my heart is expanding, and I am excited to get the best type of Christmas gift. My kids are convinced that this baby is a boy because so far our family has followed a boy-girl-boy-girl pattern, but I guess we'll just have to see. I don't have any premonition about the gender this time. Part of me hopes that it is my Luke, because I'd really like to meet him. But then the other part of me has fallen in love with the name Noelle for a little girl born at Christmas time. So either way, I think I'll be happy.






24 comments:

  1. I totally know what you mean about being somewhat upset about being pregnant. That's how I felt when I was pregnant with my youngest. It wasn't planned at all, and being pregnant is really hard on me physically and emotionally. I had an experience though, in the throes of morning sickness where I felt that he (I knew he was a he from this experience) was very happy to be a part of our family. The sickness lasted for months and was accompanied by several other pregnancy discomforts, but we've had our Will in our home for 16 months now and I love him so very very much. He is such a joy.
    May the Lord continue to bless you for the loving care you show ALL of your children. :) *hugs*

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  2. Congratulations! I am happy for you. From what I can tell, you are an incredible mother. I really look up to you. I do know what you mean though. I too have been feeling a little "baby" but am so not ready right now. Thank you for this post.

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  3. Congratulations! You are going to rock this pregnancy and being a mother of five. Not many women got that assignment, so you are definitely one of the lucky ones. :)

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  4. Wonderful Heather!! 20 weeks is a great place to be!!! I am glad you are through the difficult beginning! And thanks for your thoughts about your Luke.....I read that post also. I am getting old enough to consider being finished with new babies, but I really appreciated your thoughts and they always touch my heart.

    I have often used the quote from Joseph F. Smith in my willingness to open my heart to the arrival of a new spirit. I have not want to stand before God and explain why I wasn't willing---money, time, desire--all seem kind of hollow reasons when the mortal life of another child is on the line.

    I have to admit I have been struggling in that department lately. There are things I need to do for my health, that I do not want to do so that my body will be prepared and ready for another pregnancy, which I do not want to do. It is so much to submit my will. I want to say, just ask my anything else, please? But I know that isn't the program or His way. So here I am, past the heart fighting, and now just trying to pull the effort together to be faithful. So add me to your prayers, that I will do what He wants me to. Thanks Heather!! And Congratulations!

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    1. Carin, I will keep you in my prayers. I am sure that God will help you know what is the right choice to make, but I agree it can be so hard. Especially the submission part. That has been the hardest thing for me, but it has been so incredible to see that the more I let go and the more I let His will reign supreme in my life the more power, joy and love that flows into my heart. The fear goes away, which in itself is such a blessing.

      You know last night at a seminary training the teacher spoke about how silly it is that we try to negotiate with God. He said, "God comes to us and says I'll give you everything I have if you give me everything you have." This should be a no-brainer right. The most powerful being the universe, who has all power, all knowledge, all everything is wiling to give it to us but we hesitate to give the handful of pennies that we are hanging on to. I am learning that the more I trust God and the more I am willing to let go of my expectations and my desires and let his fill me, the better things get :)

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    2. Thanks Heather! I LOVE that quote! I'm going to keep it! It should be a no-brainer, but we fight so hard sometimes. It is so hard to give 'all'. And thanks for the prayers. I know you are right. When I trust God and let go, I have the same experience and then I wonder why I fought it so hard for so long. It just is that enduring thing. I get to a point where I think, OK, I have given this much, that should be enough. But it never is, because 'Oh Ya',' I'm not completely like Him yet. Duh! It is just hard to adjust my attitude.

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  5. Your timing on this post makes me wonder. My baby is turning 1 next month and I've been baby hungry, prompted about other babies and have known since before my first pregnancy about a boy baby. My 4 year old daughter is constantly talking about Joshua and cannot wait for him to come. And last night I told my husband I can't handle having another baby right now because of how stressful life is. So now you got me thinking again! I wish faith was easier then fear!

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  6. "Every baby comes with a loaf of bread under his arm." What an extraordinarily beautiful way of expressing the Divine care extended when we invite another of His children to our home. What a blessing this child will be to your family. My fears always try to convince me that MY problems are too big, too scary to get through... as if I am on my own in this journey. Nothing could be further from the truth!

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  7. Congrats on your happy news! I love reading your blog. It motivates me to want to try harder in my own life.

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  8. Congrats! I'm really glad you wrote about this in a positive way, even though you've had some misgivings about having another baby. It's so hard for those of us who really struggle to get pregnant to read lots of complaining from those who can easily get pregnant and just don't want to. I love how you showed something of your mental journey and struggle. Pregnancy and new baby are overwhelming and exhausting but so worth it in the end! Such a blessing for your family.
    '

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    1. And Holly, please don't take this the wrong way, because I do not know how you feel and will not pretend that I do. For reasons we do not completely understand, we each face trials that are unique to us because God knows what we need. He knows exactly which buttons to push for us to be motivated or willing to do it His way. Having a lot of children can be just as difficult as struggling to have them---they are just different trials---but in each one, the individual has to submit his/her will to God's will. We kind of learn the same things through a different medium. His timing, His way, His plan---not my will be done, but Thine. Not easy whichever end you are on.

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    2. I wasn't implying that having a lot of children isn't hard. I come from a large family and I saw how hard it was for my mother! So don't believe that I think women who can get pregnant without even having to think twice about it have it easy! Quite the contrary! I can see the other side of things- women who struggle with their children, yet feel like they aren't allowed to complain ever lest they offend those who can't have children.

      I totally understand both sides. We'd all be wise to share our stories much like Heather did. Like I said, I loved how she showed her mental journey which included the complaining and the rejoicing. Because most things in life come with hard parts and blissful parts and it's good to recognize both. If this post was only complaining about being pregnant again it would have been hard to read for anyone struggling with infertility, but as it wasn't, I liked it! That's all I was trying to say.

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  9. Yay! Congratulations!!! My unsolicited advice to you is to teach your children to help around the house as much as possible. We have very similarly-aged kids (mine are 8, 6, 4, 2, and 12 weeks) and it is SO nice that the two oldest can help around the house a lot. Just think, you have the holidays around the corner to help pass the time of your pregnancy. All the best to you!

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  10. Such exciting news Heather! I really admire your faith and dedication to your family. What a beautifully written post about this little spirit.

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  11. I am so happy for you! This post made me tear up!

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  12. hugs. There are definitely two ends to many miracles...the fabulous, wonderful blessing and the...mess. the pain. the mud. the tears...The atonement-there are two ends to that miracle. Mary gave birth to the Son of God...in a stable and He died before her...but the Son of God! There are always two ends. hugs.

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  13. congrats to you and your family. thanks for sharing your thoughts that are real and honest. how exciting to have one around Christmas! hope the rest of it goes well!

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  14. I am so happy for you. May your month's be filled with peace.

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  15. I have a sister born in December named Joy Noelle! And if I've been thinking lately that if I have another son, perhaps his name will be Luke!
    I love that spanish proverb and can testify to its truthfulness. I also read your post about your Luke and can relate to your feelings of having some children that are assigned to your family and some as unexpected gifts. What a sacred honor and privilege it is to be a mother. Thank you for sharing your inspired thoughts and personal feelings on such an important topic. You are in my prayers.

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  16. Many congratulations to you! I feel like I can relate to your feelings a bit. The birth of my 4th was traumatic and led to a lot of fear regarding my 5th -- I had a major panic attack a few days before he was born -- it lasted for a few days, and the feelings of fear stuck with me, no longer a panic, but just a fear that rested in me for months and months after he was born. The thought of another pregnancy anytime in the near or distant future felt impossible. I feel as though I'm slowly starting to come out of that fog of fear, though. I wonder if I'm being prepared for another precious spirit to join our family, or if it is just the healing of time. Either way, it almost feels as though a burden is being slowly lifted from my back as I remember the pure joy that brand new babies bring.
    I wish you the best of luck, and pray you have peace and a pleasant experience with the rest of this pregnancy. Congratulations, again! :)

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  17. Many congratulations to you! I feel like I can relate to your feelings a bit. The birth of my 4th was traumatic and led to a lot of fear regarding my 5th -- I had a major panic attack a few days before he was born -- it lasted for a few days, and the feelings of fear stuck with me, no longer a panic, but just a fear that rested in me for months and months after he was born. The thought of another pregnancy anytime in the near or distant future felt impossible. I feel as though I'm slowly starting to come out of that fog of fear, though. I wonder if I'm being prepared for another precious spirit to join our family, or if it is just the healing of time. Either way, it almost feels as though a burden is being slowly lifted from my back as I remember the pure joy that brand new babies bring.
    I wish you the best of luck, and pray you have peace and a pleasant experience with the rest of this pregnancy. Congratulations, again! :)

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  18. I love the imagery of that proverb, and I have found it to be true. Each baby brings blessings with it that we cannot imagine beforehand.

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  19. May the Light of the Lord shine on you, your baby, and your whole family!

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  20. Congratulations! Such happy news for your family! Thank you for sharing so clearly the struggle to decide on the timing of your next child. It is such a big decision and truly a test of submitting our will to His.

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