Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A Letter to the Mother of the Girl Who Will Someday Marry My Son

I don't know who you are yet, and seeing as our children are still under the age of three (yours might not even be born yet), it may seem pre-mature to start thinking about you.

Still, the last few months I haven't been able to get you off my mind.

You could be anyone one, live anywhere and be doing anything.... who knows perhaps I've already met you. Sometimes I try to imagine you rocking a little girl in your arms, the little girl who will one day be the woman my son hold in his arms. I imagine you taking pictures of her and putting them in a scrapbook that one day my son will show me when when he asks me who I think new grandchild looks like.

I see a mother pushing her daughter on the swings at the park and I can't help but wonder if that is you... if that is her. I decide to love them anyway, just in case.

It seems strange that even though we don't know each other we are already "star-crossed mothers" whose lives are destined to one day be intertwined through our children's love. We are in a partnership you and I... I'm preparing my son for your daughter and you are preparing her for my son.

I love you already.

A few months ago I came upon this article and haven't been able to stop thinking about this part...

The period of life from birth to approximately three years of age is the time when a child becomes aware of gender—of being a boy or girl... Children are privileged to be males or females by divine creation. Help them feel that whichever gender they are, they are of great worth. ... The relationships that you build with your children during their early years will have a tremendous influence on the way they feel later about developing their own intimate relationships. While your children are very young, you can teach them the value of loving and being loved. During this period, you should also be careful to react properly to your young children’s discoveries of their bodies.

...It is in this early stage of life, as the roles of male and female are acquired, that the foundation of sexual health is laid or sexual distress begins. By age three most children should have firmly accepted their identity as male or female. When family unhappiness has led them to feel unaccepted, they may become confused about their self-esteem and their gender role. Loving, consistent parenting helps children accept themselves and their gender identity during these three years. Unkind parenting can plant seeds of self-doubt and even confusion about the gender role. These seeds can germinate into personal problems in the following years unless parents change and show increased affection and acceptance.

I just want to remind you that these first few years we have with our children, even though it seems like they never listen and behave like wild baboons, are not a waste of our time. We are laying the foundation, the very core, of who these children are going to become. Through our consistent and unconditional love we are teaching them that who they are, male and female, is divine and wonderful; through our relationships with our husbands we are teaching them that relationships between men and women are beautiful; and through our daily actions we are showing them that loving and being loved is possible.

I just want you to know that I am trying my hardest to be a good mother. I'm trying my hardest to fill this little boy up with love, knowledge, and integrity so that he will be the man you want for your daughter. I am doing everything I can to teach him about who he is, what his mission is on earth, and how to treat women with love and respect. I want him to be the type of man who will cherish your daughter and nurture your... our... grandchildren.

I'm hoping in about 20 years from now he will be ready for her.

Lets pray for each other... because I know that sometimes I could use it.


  1. What a timely post. This subject has been weighing heavy on my heart in the past few months. I want to do my best to lay a good foundation of faith, self-awareness, love, and service in my children. Some days (mostly those when they are acting like wild monkeys - which have been frequent these days) I feel like a complete failure.

    And then other days, like the ones when you post on your blog ;), I feel encouraged and bouyed up, and I feel like I can be a good mother and that it is so important!

    Thank you so much for your post! I think your excerpt comes from the "Guidebook for Parents" or something like that - we have a copy in English and Portuguese (we speak both languages at home) and it has been a very useful guide for us. (if it didn't come from that book - check out the book - I think it's online, too - it's a very good resource).

    Thanks again!

  2. Beautiful post. I will pray for you. Because all moms could use a little more. And who knows? Maybe Phoebe will be done with her heartbreaking in 20 years and be ready.


  3. What a sweet post!

    You don't know me, but I enjoy reading your posts. I don't usually leave comments either, but this post was too sweet not to!

    I never thought about my daughter's future mother-in-law before as she's only 12 weeks old, but it is interesting to think about! I'm going to have to kiss her a few extra times today!

  4. I wonder about who my daughter and son will marry all the time and hope that they will have good parents to teach and love them. So, it was nice to read this and know that I'm not crazy to be thinking about these things :)
    I just found your blog and want to say thanks for the time that you put into this to help strengthen women spiritually. I'm excited to follow your blog :)

  5. These are really beautiful thoughts. I'm so grateful you shared!

  6. Thanks Ladies! It is nice to meet you Deanna and Kristi! And Mother Earth, I would LOVE it if Phebe and Asher met up someday-- maybe we should betroth them now :)

  7. love your thoughts - I often think about who my children are going to marry and I already pray for them too because I want them to be awesome people to match my cherbus! Naomi.

  8. Lovely and thoughtful.
    This reminds me of conversations I've had with my teenagers--which go something like this:

    "Whomever [she/he] is, they are already walking this earth. They got up this morning and got dressed for the day. They'll eat and work and play. And when you're both ready, you'll meet and start your lives together."
    Sometimes my teenagers roll their eyes at this thought, but more often than not, it makes them happy to think about it.

  9. I can't remember how I found your blog, but I really appreciated reading this post. As the mommy of a baby girl, I'm so happy to know that there are women like you out there.

  10. Heather this Post is so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. As a mother of a little boy I was so grateful to read this and ponder upon it.
    Thank you.

  11. I love this post! I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I have 3 boys (5 and under). I hope and pray that I am raising them so that they will be wonderful husbands, fathers, priesthood holders one day!